nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
