Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
