she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
