dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
