My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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