my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
