I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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