Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
