One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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