every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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