Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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