so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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