She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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