I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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