did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Randomize
