How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
