Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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