Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
