Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
