My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
