1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
