all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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