Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
