Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
