Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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