remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm at about main and main street
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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