I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize