When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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