I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
