Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
