I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
