This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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