Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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