I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
