Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
