We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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