I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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