I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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