Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
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