what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
