when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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