I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
