Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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