Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I don't think brook has ever known best
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
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