Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
