i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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