my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
