ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
