the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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