god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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