when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
