On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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