i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize
