two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
