i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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