I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
