how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
